Perpetual.

Living life is different now.

I have lived in world where I felt like I was standing still and the world was crashing around me. There was a numbness then- a hazy, walking in the clouds and watching life go on around you. It is so different this time. A different heartache. The separation is so real. And I am living in the midst of it. No numbness. Feeling the sadness and excitement to its full extent. It's like physics of the heart! For every emotion there is an equal and opposite emotion. It's gotten to the point of humor! Every time the phone rings and it's him- pure elation followed by the drop in my heart that he is so far away. It's ridiculous.

I have never been alone like this in my life- living in a house by myself, falling asleep at night without roommates, cooking for one, watching movies and laughing without someone else to join in. It is WEIRD. It has shown me a lot about myself though. For example, I am horrible at laundry. Before James left, I use to think that if I only had to to do laundry for myself then I could stay on top of it. If I wasn't sharing the washer and dryer, it would be so easy- because I could do it on my own time. Wrong. I am just bad at laundry. Yesterday, I finally put away laundry that I had done right after James left....if anyone is counting, it's been about 2 1/2 months. Oh well. I am getting myself into better habits- keeping things organized and cleaner. I've discovered that if I do a little cleaning each day- sweeping, wiping down the counters, and putting up the dishes- then I no longer get anxious at night before I go to bed about the house being a disaster. I'm working on creating good habits. I don't watch that much TV, and I have started reading before going to bed to help lull my mind to sleep.

Life is not on hold though. I still have to make decisions- that effect both of us. His pictures still roll across the TV screen and hang on the wall. I still make his favorite foods and wear his sweatshirts. I have to drive...especially if I want to travel. I have to maintain the car. There are reminders everywhere that he is gone. Things that would have been done if he were here. Like my stinkin' light bulbs!! I'm not tall enough to reach the fixture to change it out....jumping on the bed and standing on the laundry basket on top of the bed have not gotten me any closer. I am this close to asking the Italian gardener to change it for me. It might be easier.

Living with a perpetual heartache is a challenge. It challenges me to live life. I fight urges to give up. I look for hope. I live for the day that I get to welcome him home. And each night I lay down and go to sleep, I am one day closer. I make conscious decisions to think of things that are good- because the second my mind thinks of the "what if's" I find myself sliding down a dark path. Philippians 4: 8 says, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think of such things". I remind myself of this throughout the day...everyday. I find myself searching for the peace that only the God of peace can give, and I am thankful that His peace does transcend every situation, every moment, and every emotion.

Out with the Old, In with the New!

Why is growing things so hard?

Really...gardening just isn't my thing. I was so excited when spring finally arrived! Pretty sure I wrote a post about how excited I was...I even bought a plant at the market downtown! It was finally what I thought Italy would be like! The weather, the markets, the people outside! Spring was awesome and my plant represented that for me.

Well. It died. Pretty quickly. I watered and watered it. Someone told me I probably drowned it. The gardener eventually started feeling bad for the little thing, because Friday afternoons I would always find that the plant had been watered...and at this point in the summer, I had completely given up. My plant is SO DEAD that it looks dried. Like what people do with their wedding flowers to always have them....so embarrassing.

Every time I walk by, I make a mental note to go find another plant and try better. Every time. I walk in and out of my front door ALL the time. I have just been too lazy and honestly, slightly scared to try again. What if I kill this one?! If I think about it too much I can go down a long rabbit hole that leads me to question my ability to care for a child if I can't keep a plant alive. We are definitely going to need to practice with a puppy first.

Well today was a blessing. A blessing in disguise. I wanted to go to PWOC- Protestant Women of the Chapel. I did a four week Bible study this summer and really enjoyed it, but this fall will be my first time doing the REAL thing. I was a little nervous....I know people who go, but not a lot of people and I was just nervous I wouldn't fit in...reminds me of middle school. So I got up. Late. And exhausted. Contemplated not going. Decided to go. Took a shower. Noted that I was running late. Realized that I didn't was the conditioner out of my hair. Now running REALLY late. When I jumped into the car, I really thought that I should just turn around- clearly I wasn't suppose to go. I pushed through the thoughts, and just went. I am so so glad I did. I got into an awesome Bible Study, listened to a filling little sermon, and walked away with a flower plant!!

How did you get the plant, you ask??

I WON IT!!!! Woohoo!! And as we all know, I love winning things. It was great.

So I immediately came home and removed the old, crumbly dried up plant and replaced it with new life!!

Does anyone happen to know what kind of plant/flower this is....Need to look up and figure out if it likes sun/shade and how much water to feed it. It WILL live.

What I'm Loving Wednesday...on Friday

• My photography class on Thursday Nights
• My Thursday date nights with new friends
• The talk of the future
• The sound of the camera shutter
• The frustration of figuring out how the camera works
• The new slide show I put together just so I can see his face
• Feeling needed
• The ability to breathe 
• Friends that fan me during airplane landings
• Flowers 
• The tears that flow
• The hope that lies ahead
• Friends that love your quirks
•  Sore muscles
• Increasing weight during a work out
• Holding a newborn babe
• A husband who honestly loves me with no one else in mind
• Searching for new studies
• Cast Iron friends

Living Chess Game

Last night a group of girls traveled together to a little town called Marostica. We went to dinner at the is restaurant about 15 minutes outside of the walled town and then ventured into town. I thought it was going to be complete chaos! With the way Italians park and drive I knew the town would a nightmare....but they surprised me! People were almost directing traffic and guiding people to parking spots. I was amazed to say the least. The town was packed with people- lots of people in costumes, getting ready for the show. Let's just say there was no backstage area. But the majority of them were still in character outside of the stage. We entered into the main square and caught the first glimpse of the chess board. I have been up to Marostica a couple of times, but never saw the chess board because of the construction for the big event, and it was massive. The chess board is made out of asiago stone. For some reason, I thought it was going to be a huge piece of paper rolled out into the middle of the square. Wrong.

And then it started...about 45min late.


Every even-numbered year, the town puts on a living chess game to commemorate a piece of history from 1454. The story goes that 2 warriors fell in love with the Lord of Marostica's daughter, Lionora. So as custom permitted, they were going to fight in a duel to see who would win the hand of the Lord's daughter. The Lord of Marostica had another idea, he did not want anyone to fight- so he declared that the 2 warriors would play a chess game. The winner won Lionora's hand in marriage and the loser won the sister's hand. What a bummer to be the youngest...

 The soldiers walking around town in formation 

 You know your husband is deployed when, you answer your phone at the Living Chess game

They shot arrows of fire onto the chess board!! 

 

 The chess players

 Starting the match

See the orange jump suit boys...the poor boy passed out!! Created a little scene, but they were ready for it!

What I'm Loving Wednesday

• the cool air
• the rain
• being able to curl up with a blanket
• reading my books
• seeing a friends baby bump
• hearing that everything is going to be alright
• friends that are awake at all hours of the night
• candles
• frozen food
• strawberry wine
• What's App
• a church that prays for our boys
• Friends that knock some sense in you 
• needing to sleep with the duvet cover
• new light bulbs
• church bells ringing
• a functioning car
• packages
• crossfit buddies
• James

Life of Nomad.

Well, that maybe a little dramatic. August 29th was 9 months since we touched down in this Italian world. I definitely could not imagine this life when we first got here. Popeye's for the first meal, living in a hotel room, appalled at how early the sun went down, and how cold the winter air felt. I distinctly remember thinking that I was never going to make friends or find a place to live that involved storage. I thought I was never going to like the Italian coffee or be able to eat a whole pizza by myself. Let's just say I was wrong. I usually think, about once a day, "I can't believe this is my life." Sometimes it is thought in frustration, but I never could have imagined that I would grow to love this place as I have.

 It takes some adjusting, that is for sure, but I am so so glad that I am not in the process of moving right now. The crazy thing is that this is the longest James and I have lived some where and definitely the longest time I have lived in one home since I left for college.

College life tends to involve lots of moves- move in August, move out May, live somewhere random for the summer and then do it again...three more times. It was exhausting. I hated moving in and out of a new room every year. It drove me nuts. So clearly the next logical decision was to marry an Army boy, because the Army definitely allows you to stay in one place for an extended amount of time.

We were in Oklahoma for 8 months, Georgia for 8 months, and will be in Italy for "3" years- or whenever the army tells us to move. Luckily, each little home of ours has grown- it really could only have gone up from the apartment in Oklahoma. We have a couch, coffee table, chair, dining room table, bedroom furniture, and an extra bed to call our own! And the plan is to leave Italy with a china cabinet to call mine as well....we will see though.

Sadly, I don't think I have gotten any better at packing or unpacking a house. I've learned little tricks- how and where to store certain items, make sure all clothes are basically on hangers- otherwise the movers use them as padding in other boxes, and make sure they movers take the boxes after they are unpacked.

James on the other hand has actually only been in Italy for 6 months- considering all of his trainings and his most recent move. Goodness, James is going to have lived in Afghanistan longer than any place we have ever lived!

I'll be honest though- this home, my home,  is still incomplete. For home truly is where the heart is, and for now, mine lies in Afghanistan.