Perpetual.

Living life is different now.

I have lived in world where I felt like I was standing still and the world was crashing around me. There was a numbness then- a hazy, walking in the clouds and watching life go on around you. It is so different this time. A different heartache. The separation is so real. And I am living in the midst of it. No numbness. Feeling the sadness and excitement to its full extent. It's like physics of the heart! For every emotion there is an equal and opposite emotion. It's gotten to the point of humor! Every time the phone rings and it's him- pure elation followed by the drop in my heart that he is so far away. It's ridiculous.

I have never been alone like this in my life- living in a house by myself, falling asleep at night without roommates, cooking for one, watching movies and laughing without someone else to join in. It is WEIRD. It has shown me a lot about myself though. For example, I am horrible at laundry. Before James left, I use to think that if I only had to to do laundry for myself then I could stay on top of it. If I wasn't sharing the washer and dryer, it would be so easy- because I could do it on my own time. Wrong. I am just bad at laundry. Yesterday, I finally put away laundry that I had done right after James left....if anyone is counting, it's been about 2 1/2 months. Oh well. I am getting myself into better habits- keeping things organized and cleaner. I've discovered that if I do a little cleaning each day- sweeping, wiping down the counters, and putting up the dishes- then I no longer get anxious at night before I go to bed about the house being a disaster. I'm working on creating good habits. I don't watch that much TV, and I have started reading before going to bed to help lull my mind to sleep.

Life is not on hold though. I still have to make decisions- that effect both of us. His pictures still roll across the TV screen and hang on the wall. I still make his favorite foods and wear his sweatshirts. I have to drive...especially if I want to travel. I have to maintain the car. There are reminders everywhere that he is gone. Things that would have been done if he were here. Like my stinkin' light bulbs!! I'm not tall enough to reach the fixture to change it out....jumping on the bed and standing on the laundry basket on top of the bed have not gotten me any closer. I am this close to asking the Italian gardener to change it for me. It might be easier.

Living with a perpetual heartache is a challenge. It challenges me to live life. I fight urges to give up. I look for hope. I live for the day that I get to welcome him home. And each night I lay down and go to sleep, I am one day closer. I make conscious decisions to think of things that are good- because the second my mind thinks of the "what if's" I find myself sliding down a dark path. Philippians 4: 8 says, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think of such things". I remind myself of this throughout the day...everyday. I find myself searching for the peace that only the God of peace can give, and I am thankful that His peace does transcend every situation, every moment, and every emotion.