Preparation

The preparation for the deployment has begun. Driving on post proves it. The companies are lined with massive cargo-like boxes. The boys are laying out all of their weapons and to the civilian eye, metal pipes, tripods, and cloth looking tarps and such. They walk around carrying army green duffel bags stacked on their shoulders, packed with who knows what. They stay late. They are making lists- lots of lists, and trying to cross everything off before they load the plane. Families are squeezing in last minute trips, soaking up last minute classes provided by resources on post about resiliency, deployment, and benefits. No one is sharing their time. Dinner parties and going out for drinks are few and far between. No one wants to share that precious time with other people. Everyone knows it and no one cares.

Honestly, it is so weird. This community creates its own reality and its own rules to live by and to the "civilian" eye, it probably looks dysfunctional. If I suddenly holed up in my house in Charlotte, didn't call any friends, attend any gatherings, spent the weekends away- not inviting anyone else, then people would probably be concerned. Well, concerned at first, and then they would just stop inviting us to things/places/whatever. But here, it is normal. And once June hits, everyone will ban together and swing far to the other side- filling their calendars with so many social events they can't keep up. It seems manic. Army life is manic and slightly unstable. And oddly enough, I like it.

I'm preparing in my own way. Soaking up every moment, every touch, every look, every word. Hoping that my memory can recall enough to soothe my soon-to-be aching heart. I have my own list of things to accomplish before he leaves. Papers that we need to fill out. Finances that need to be sorted. Emotions that need to be tamed. Questions that need to be answered. I swing back and forth from pushing him away to suffocating him :) My goal for the next few weeks to just to be normal!!

It is going to be a strange rest of the year. I know I will be sad, but I know that I will survive. At the beginning of the year my goal was seriously to just survive. To just make it through. But now I want more. I want to do more than just survive. More than just sit and wait and panic every time the door bell rings when I'm not expecting someone. I hope that I can find opportunities to do more than just survive. I want to look back on this time and know that I accomplished something, to know I didn't just sit at home and mope. So I am looking for things to do, classes to take, and praying for a job to open up :)

Preparation is a good thing and so is a healthy amount of denial :)